Naked for the ‘Nucks

But before that, I have just one simple question for you all. Why is it, that on the first snowfall of the winter, does it seem that every single driver on the road COMPLETELY SHUT THEIR BRAIN OFF, and as such, turn a 10-15 minute drive into a hour or longer horror?

Luckily, during my personal hell which is Canada Highway #1, there was a saving grace. As our beloved Canucks, coming off a rather unfortunate 2 game road trip, are hosting the team America holds hostage, the Quebec Nordiques, in the Garage. As such, my new listen for the drive to work, The Fox, has a contest to win tickets for each Canucks home game.

It’s Naked for the ‘Nucks. Yup, some willing fan, somewhere in public, and in full view, must become stark naked, while on cell (or mobile, depending which way you want to call it). You must also give details of your location, to tip off potential passers by, and provide some legitimized conformation. One contestant, female actually, sent in pics from a cameraphone to confirm it. Anyhow, once naked, the contestant then must answer three DIFFICULT hockey trivia questions, out of five, in order to win the tickets.

All I have to say that it was FUCKING HILARIOUS. And this was the second time I got to hear it. The first was on the drive for my day call to Da Vinci’s City Hall, though my brain becomes complete goo after a day on set. And having lived in the armpit of Ontario, Windsor, which ironically is right across the strait, which in french is detroit, or now bastardized as the Detroit River, from Detroit and Joe Louis Arena, home of the Detroit Red Wings, I know for a fact Red Wing fans wouldn’t do that for Wings tickets.

Wimps! Canucks fans did it, in the snow (which is a rarity here, especially for this time of the year), just to see their superior team play.

Well, except for this weekend. But, alas, there was an imbalance in the Force. The Canucks game took place at the same time as WWE’s Survivor Series. In the classic Survivor Series match, pitting team Raw vs. team Smackdown, the obviously much stronger Raw side was shocked when they lost, and Randy Orton became the sole survivor. This totally erradicated Vancouver’s goal total against Quebec. But, it seems 6 Smackdown superstars, not just 5, participated, as the end of the match brought the return of the Undertaker. This eliminated the two goals for Quebec, and replaced them with six, one for each Smackdown superstar who was active, in a legitimate fashion or not, for the match. Thus, Quebec’s goal total rose to six.

As for Kane and Big Show, who by all rights should have dominated the match, their loss equated for two goals on the Vancouver side, giving them two goals back, making the final score Nordiques 6 Canucks 2, and giving us…

Utter Golden Perfection^TM.

As for tonight’s game, Quebec comes to the Garage tonight, to engage in the classic home and home two-game series, and will not have the boo’s for Bertuzzi like they do in their prison, Colorado. The Bert-accu-score^TM for the game shall be

Canucks 3 Quebec 1

Cha Gheill!!

So Unpolitical

Ok. I lied. Not like we as people have ever been lied to.

And speaking of lying liars,

Yes, our dear, special friend, Stephen Harper, probably looking at some obscure numbers as to where Lotto 649 was won in the last ten years, and mistaking them for Angus-Reid Poll results, giving Mr. Harper the false impression he could win an election, did the unthinkable. He called a no confidence vote yesterday in the House of Commons, defeated the reigning 38th Parliament, forcing an election, and ultimately another feeble Conservative attempt to dethrone the almighty Liberals. Standing on a platform of running an accountable government, by cutting taxes while providing more for Canadians, a renewed partnership with the provinces and territories, more spending in the military, and of course, strong opposition toward gay marriage.

However, what the key stances of the platform really should read, are as follows. Accountable Government, on the basis the Conservatives (well, this incarnation) have never, EVER run a government. Hence, no reference for accountability, and hence, not accountable for anything. The Conservatives want to cut taxes while providing more. Spend more while making less. Hmm. Anyone who has ever lived on a budget will know that this is impossible. A renewed partnership with all provinces and territories, by delegating the tricky province of Quebec to seperatists, letting them seperate, and hopefully we can get along well enough to import poutine to the rest of Canada. More spending in the military, so that we can peacefully join with the USA a la Austria joining with Germany prior to WWII. And finally, the main selling point for the moral side of the religious right, opposition to gay marriage. Just like in the previous election, Harper is playing to the west, ignoring the east, giving the finger to Quebec, which means, once again, Ontario is the only battleground. And even though many Ontarians are pathetic Leaf fans, they’re not stupid enough to all vote Harper and bring in a God-forsaken Conservative government.

Next brings us the mighty Jack Layton, leader of the New Democratic Party. Often referred to as the moral conscience of the Liberals, the actual basis of the NDP could be a serious threat to the Liberals. With, again, one major exception. The vote boils down to Ontario. Yup, the dogma of Canadian politics. Leaf fans rule the vote. Heck, they voted Ken Dryden, the ex club President, into a seat in the latest Parliament (even though Kenny is a traitor from the club he played for, les Canadiens). With no other stronghold, like the other three parties, Layton can only do best as spoiler, winning enough seats to keep a party from winning a majority.

Which brings us to the most honest man in Canadian politics, Gilles Duceppe. In fact, he may be the most honest politician on the face of the planet. It’s simple. A vote for the Bloc Quebecois is a step closer to Quebec seperating and becoming a sovereign state. The scary bit is there is enough of Canada who hates Quebec, that if the Bloc ran outside of Quebec, Duceppe would ironically become Prime Minister. As it stands, however, the Bloc only runs in their home Province, and thus limits the Liberals to a handful of seats, and none for the other parties.

Which leaves us with our beloved Prime Minister, the Right Honourable Paul Martin, and the Liberal Party of Canada. At the end of the Gomery Report, Martin and former Prime Minister Jean Cretien were branded as crooks. And the irony? Voting for Martin and the Liberals is the lesser of two evils. Though Harper is accountable, that visage of him in the cowboy hat just reminds me too much of a certain leader just south of our border. Now who could that be, who could it possibly be? Maybe…

SATAN!!!

Yes, the ultimate flaw of Mr. Harper. He’s too much like the Antichrist Bush.

I remember part of an old saying, where one should not discuss politics with friends. Ahh, Harper, what suicide. You’re the one who forced the election, and all this pointless debate about the same mundane issues. And you set up Martin to delay the election nearly a month longer than previous, one-month election campaigns. Martin will now be perceived as the saviour, keeping the actual vote away from the holidays.

Looks like you buried yourself again, Steve. I’m sure Bush can get you a job at Unocal once your political career is over.

Haven’t we already played Quebec a dozen times?

Well, it appears it hasn’t even been 8 yet, though it seems every other game is another grudge match against the hostage hockey team of the US, the Quebec Nordiques.

But first, down to last night’s business. The hangover has FINALLY worn off, and when all was said and done, Phoenix pulled a fast won, and upset the mighty Canucks (note, not ducks), by a score of 2-1, a much different mark than what the Bert-accu-score^TM had predicted, a 6-2 mark.

Hmm. In the game, there were 44 minutes in penalties, which seems to be the norm for the ‘Nucks, as it seems the referees didn’t get the memo, stating the Bertuzzi rule applies to vicious penalties to Bertuzzi, not to the Canucks as a whole team. There was even two simultaneous fights after a big, though legal, hit. But something was odd. The referees, in their biased, anti-Canadian glory, instead of charging 4 five minute penalties, they gave both Vancouver players double minors, while giving the Coyotes only single minors. It seems the five minute major is something going out the window.

And with the number 5 flying out of the window, five goals of Vancouver’s flew out the window, giving a final score of 2-1 for the Coyotes, giving us:

Utter Golden Perfection^TM.

As for tonight’s game, the Nordiques must be suffering from poutine withdrawal, and the Bert-accu-score^TM for the game shall be

Vancouver 4 Quebec 2

Cha Gheill!!

Vote early and vote often…

Yes, I’m up for the Canadian Blog Awards. Some nice person nominated me, for best humour blog, and as such, the first round of voting is NOW. GO VOTE FOR ME NOW…

Click the Maple Leaf (not the hockey team, thank god) to vote:

That is all.

Things That Make Me Happy

As per this post at Dawn’s site, I have decided to duplicate the post for myself.

But yes, with my own answers, for the smartasses out there. Don’t make me get Red to put a foot in your ass!

Anyhow, as such, here we go, with 8 answers, just as Dawn gave.

Things That Make Me Happy

1. My Dawn. And for those reading who like to interject their two cents, it’s not Dorn, Dworn, Dawnagan, et. al. Dawn is that one person who never prejudged me, never wanted to change me, who accepted me for who I am and can love me truly unconditionally. She fills that empty space in my soul (yes, as you all should know, I do have something of a dark past), she is the one positive thing that keeps me going no matter what.

2. Being Canadian. Nothing against our neighbors to the south, but seeing how messy things have gotten down there in the last five years especially, every day I count my lucky stars that I am Canadian. Aside from being naturally superior hockey players, we are truly a free society. Need proof? What is the likelihood that someone like Jon Stewart, a wonderfully gifted satirist, would be able to walk right up to George W. Bush, and give him an Emmy, as a joke, declaring indirectly that he was only “acting” as a leader, not being one. Probably running an odd of about, oh, let’s say, zero. Well, that has actually happened here in Canada. Except it was a Gemini (the Canadian award that is like the Emmy).

3. Working in film. God the first 30 years of my life really sucked ass. Why? Because it took me forever to find out what I really wanted to do. What a waste, really. But now, each day I get to work on a film set of some form, it brings so much life and energy back, like making up for lost time. It is what I was meant to do. Period.

4. Living in British Columbia. The last 20 odd years in Ontario were just too much. Leaf fans who think they have a brain when it comes to hockey. Nowhere good to ski. A very poor attitude towards those whose native tongue is French. Pollution in the air thicker than poutine. And mostly, being in self denial about wanting to be just like New York. Hence, my imposed monicker on Toronto. America Jr. I love the mountains. I love to ski. I love the Canucks. I love the laid back atmosphere. Again, after 30 plus years, I have found my home.

5. My Parents. Yes, I probably within the context of a highly dysfunctional family, but hearing my parents voices, being 4,500 km apart, does remind me that though through all our differences, that blood is thicker than water.

6. My sis Jana. Though various concerns caused my parents to cease procreating after me (and for those of you who feel the need to take the piss over this, I’ve heard it ALL before), my parents had no more children. So in addition to living in butt-fuck nowhere, in the middle of the sticks, with no friends, let alone any neighbors around, I had no siblings either. Just me and the cat until the folks got home from work. It was a very lonely way to grow up. Luckily, now, I’ve met Jana, who has become like a sister to me. She’s become a fantastic friend and the conscience I need from time to time to not let my ego get the best of me.

7. Todd and Mandy. Todd has been my friend, well, every day of my life. He was born four months earlier than I (enjoying 33 yet Todd :P), and our parents were friends throughout school. The only regret was that we didn’t live closer in our youth. Luckily though, through all the changes, we’ve stuck together tried and true. Now married to Mandy, I see how she makes him complete, knowing they toughed the hard times made it easier to believe in Dawn and I when times were dire.

8. Star Wars. Yup, Jana, you can call me gay any time now. But going to see Star Wars, on opening day, with my Dad back in ‘77 is one of my first memories, one I hold dear in my heart. And the one memory that put me on my current course.

That is all.

The land of the reborn bird

Yes, Bert and Co. are now in ever warm (and dry… I could use more than this one day without rain) Phoenix, Arizona, prepared to dish out even more lumps to rookie head coach Wayne Gretzky. God, I can’t wait until my first film tops the $100 Million domestic mark. Then I can take hockey sabbaticals. I guess I have to get cracking now. Don’t worry. More news to come really soon.

As for the unfinished business, the Bert-accu-score^TM for Thursday’s match was 5-1 for Vancouver, whereas the actual mark was a closer, but still favourable 3-2, with a little help from the referees, allowing a close call for a net off the posts, and another for a puck that may have trickled in, though not seen. Finally, the refs realize the Bertuzzi rule does not apply to THE WHOLE CANUCKS TEAM.

In unrelated news^TM, I spent three days working on a construction site, which will be a condominium high rise building. What I found really odd was that along with the “missing” thirteenth floor, there was no 4th, 14th, or 24th floors either. It seems that the Arabic character 4, which we use, is very similar to the symbol of death in the Chinese alphabet, and as such, is unlucky, and not used to mark floors here in Vancouver, as there is a large population from the Orient. But what I did find odd is that the number 22 is still included, because numerologically, it is also the number 4.

As such, to keep the two 2’s from adding to four, 2 was subtracted from Vancouver’s score, and two was added to San Jose’s score (thus negating each other, and bringing balance), and giving us a score of…

Drum roll please…

Vancouver 3 San Jose 2

Which gives us…

Utter Golden Perfection^TM.

As for tonight, and Gretzky’s school of hard knocks for coaching, Vancouver will enjoy the dryness, and less rain, and the Bert-accu-score^TM for the game shall be

Canucks 6 Phoenix 2

Cha Gheill!!

Battle of the Canadian Divas

And FYI, this is not about Diva’s like this person here, though I have to ask how a “devil” *cough* is a Diva?

No, I’m talking about this fantastic singer

And, this one, whose voice rings through the man-repellant film, Titanic.

Well, it seems Dawn and myself are at a disagreement about this one. I prefer Shania, whom I feel has more performing energy and, well, is more attractive. Dawn, on the other hand, feels that age has caught up to Shania, and Celine is both more attractive, and furthermore, a better singer.

Now, singing is in the ear of the beholder (mainly because the eye isn’t the intended organ used to listen to a song), so I’ll leave it up to you, the commenting public (okay there’s five of you apart from Dawn and I, and here’s crossing fingers someone replies).

Though I will leave you with this one parting comment. Dawn believes I’m stacking the deck picking the not quite so flattering image of Celine. However, I believe it’s harder to find a bad pic of Shania than it is of Celine. And, if my euclidian proof is acurate,

Q.E.D.

Who the hell needs a power ranking anyway?

Something in the world of hockey has been irking me of late. Well, amongst one of the five bloggers who actually reads my tripe, Peter. A proud supporter of the Dead Red Wings, and with our whose team is better argument, which I’ve won twice so far this year, as the Canucks are too much for the Wings to handle, keeps bringing up the NHL power Rankings, just like in a post such as this.

It’s funny. When I watch Hockey Night in Canada on CBC, nobody talks about “power rankings” or the like. The only sore spot these days is Coaches Corner, as it has become a sell out to the one American team in Canada, the Toronto Make Me Laughs. Too bad Vancouver, Ottawa, Montreal, Calgary, and Edmonton are better. No more “Canada’s Team” for America Jr.

Anyhow…

I rolled over the actual link, and found this amusing tidbit. The rankings Peter reads is from Fox Sports. And being from one of the few states in America with an actual hockey tradition, I had expected more from him. How soon we all forget the blasphemy that Fox brought to hockey broacasts. Yes, the computer enhanced glow around the puck, aka the glow in the dark Fox puck, which allowed obviously blind American viewers better follow the hard to see small puck. To this I ask one question. How hard is it to see a black disc on a white surface?

But Fox, in my honest opinion, is still bitter at the revenue loss they suffered by a deal cut thirty years ago. Yes, young, aspiring film director George Lucas, trying to put out Star Wars, signed a deal with Fox, who didn’t 100% believe in the film, signed over all royalties if Lucas independently financed the film.

Oops. Anyhow, to make up for the multi-billion dollar error, Fox expanded to broadcasting. The NFL diversified the operation to sports, but the true gauge of the Fox empire is the Fox News Network. Yes, the one news source that makes CNN look unbiased. Nothing like having an agenda along the lines of Triumph of the Will.

To make matters worse for Fox, I checked CNNSI, TSN, and ESPN’s sites, and all had power ratings. And they were all different.

I guess the power rankings really are subjective at best. So much for claims that “my team is best because of a power ranking”. Also, it seems Fox is not a reputable broadcaster. Stick to films. And for certain Red Wing fans, see you in the playoffs, if you can avoid the recently traditional “Detroit Early Exit”.

That is all.

Meh-mes I stole from Dawn

The first, which she will agree with the description, but not the colour.

Your Eyes Should Be Gray

Your eyes reflect: Intensity and drive What’s hidden behind your eyes: A sensitive soul

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

As for the next, Dawn and I are the same…

You’re A Crazy Drunk

When you drink, you get wrecked - and it ain’t pretty.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

This one is a month and a half late…

You Are The Stuffing

You’re complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together. People miss you if you’re gone - but they’re not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

This one just isn’t me… I think…

You Are Cherry Pie

You’re the perfect combo of innocent and sexy Those who like you enjoy a contradiction

What Kind of Pie Are You?

That is all.

This just totally dashes all my hopes….

Yup, it’s finally all over. My hopes that romance shall live on has died. Sarcastic morning and afternoon drive DJ’s are vocally crying in their beer. Hopes for love is over.

Why?

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are splitting up. I just can’t believe it. That romance was destined to last forever.

Of course, when I mean forever, what I really should be saying is they should have split eons ago. That marriage didn’t have a foundation to last more than 1 year, but it dragged on for three.

Which, funnily enough, was the score of the Canucks Tuesday, where Vancouver beat Chicago 3-1. And to honour this tragic marriage being put out of it’s misery, the Canucks scored three goals, and let one in, giving us…

Utter Golden Perfection^TM

As for tonight’s match, the Sharks come up to the Garage to be totally embarassed again by the Canucks. As such, the Bert-accu-score^TM for the game shall be

Canucks 5 San Jose 1

Cha Gheill!!