Letters to the Editor - Via the Spam Folder

I hate spam. Dawn hates spam. I have a very strange yet strong feeling that you, the reader, hate spam. I do commend email services, such as my primary service, gmail, who has a very efficient spam management service. However, as all the code is written by people, who are inherently imperfect, there are flaws, and occasionally some spam gets sent to my inbox, but more disturbing, some of my real mail gets sent to my spam folder.

Hence, I do check the spam folder daily, browsing sender names and email subjects, for possible misdirects. And the other day, I found this email with the subject Your Photo “A Lazy Afternoon” on CANVAS, and so I was intrigued as to the content of the email, as I have on my deviantART page, as well as a photography contest Dawn has entered me into, this picture with the same title.

The following is the email sent to me, in it’s entirity.

Dear Jeff,

I was visiting my sister Evelyn in New Jersey a few months ago, and I couldn’t help but notice a painting she had hanging in her foyer. It was an oil painting on canvas of her six-year-old daughter bending down and gazing at the ice patches on the surface of a frigid lake. In the distance, beautiful snow-capped mountains and a deep blue, cloudless sky seemed to embrace her from all sides. It was absolutely stunning! She told me that it wasn’t an oil painting but a photograph she had taken while on vacation with her family last year. As I looked closer at the painting, I couldn’t tell if she was telling me the truth or if this was a trick, like the ones we played on each other when we were children. Nevertheless, the painting was gorgeous, and I had to know where she got it. Evelyn told me that she frequented an art studio in Manhattan that was able to take an ordinary photograph and produce a print on a high-quality canvas with the look and feel of an authentic oil painting. I took down the information, and when I returned home, I gave the studio a call.

The studio was very helpful, as I explained to them that I worked for a company who publishes a number of quality photographs and that this would be a product our customers would love to own. He explained the process to me, and I found that it was too time-consuming and expensive to make readily available to our customers. If I could only find a way to fine-tune the process to make it affordable, then everyone could enjoy their very own photographic painting. After months of research I was able to produce an even better processed image on canvas . . . one that anyone would be proud to hang in their home and at a very reasonable cost!

Jeff, I think that your photograph, “A Lazy Afternoon,” would make an excellent addition to anyone’s art collection.

We create these artistic masterpieces by enhancing the color and other nuances in your original photo. Our artists will add brushstrokes by hand, using a specialized tablet and stylus, so the final artwork has the look and feel of a traditional oil painting. The canvas is made from the highest quality fabric vital for professional photographic reproductions. It’s treated with a UV inhibiting coat that protects the canvas from fading for up to 100 years. Just imagine, your masterpiece will look as good as it did when it was just finished . . . even a century from now!

Once we reproduce your photo as a painting, your canvas will then be stretched and mounted on a museum-quality wooden frame. If you would like to further enhance your “gallery wrapped” artwork, we also offer a variety of decorative frames. All of these items are hand-constructed right here in the United States. The quality and craftsmanship of these items are the best I’ve ever seen, and I can’t wait to share them with you.

I want you to have one of these exquisite pieces of art at practically the same price that it costs for us to produce one!

And I’ve saved the best for last . . . I have attached a price card that already includes a 70% discount. Yes, you read that correctly. We are so excited about this new product that we are offering it to you at the lowest cost available. There is no better way to share your photography than to have your very own masterpiece hanging in your house, for all of your friends to see.

For as low as $119 you can create your very own personal keepsake for everyone to see and admire. All you need to do is fill out the attached order form, indicate what size and what frame style you prefer, and leave the rest to us. Our artists will reproduce your photograph on a specially designed, top-quality mounted canvas using the latest techniques available. After either selecting “gallery wrap” or framing for your artwork, we will then carefully wrap your masterpiece in protective foam and custom package it to prevent damage during shipping. Of course, we have a 100% money-back policy. If for any reason you are dissatisfied with the finished product, simply return it to us within 30 days and we will refund 100% of your money.

I hope that you will give us the opportunity to reproduce your award-winning photograph as an artistic masterpiece. I know you will be delighted with the result!

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Bryan
picture.com
International Library of Photography

P.S. Once again, I am making this special offer to you because our editorial staff feels your photograph exhibits excellent qualities for an artistic reproduction. Act quickly because these exclusive, discounted prices are only available for a limited time to a select few. You may know someone else who has a photograph listed on www.picture.com who hasn’t been given this same opportunity. Unfortunately, we are unable to make this offer to everyone.

To which, Mr. Bryan, I offer you this letter in reply:

Mr. Bryan
picture.com
International Library of Photography

Jefferson:

I am an overeducated Canadian male, who formerly resided in the metropolitan wasteland known as Toronto, Ontario. Having made one career change from Engineering to Sales & Marketing, I found myself in a conundrum in which I was feeling no career satisfaction, as I did not feel I was using my intellectual and creative skills in any kind of professional direction. As such, with a great plethora of film and video interests in Toronto, I made a choice to go back to school, and become educated in film and telelvision production, to which the industry represents one of my strong pasions, as well as being an outlet for creative behaviours.

Unfortunately, for the film industry in Toronto, a virus known as Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS, hit the city, and scared foriegn (read American) film production in Toronto, to a capacity that even today it has not recovered. Mind you at the time I was still engaged in my education, so as such, I held a positive mindframe that the industry would rebound before I graduated. Holy fuck was I wrong. But the film industry wasn’t the only industry that was slow. In the winter of 2005, I applied, over a 1 week period, to nearly 400 businesses, not to recieve a single call for employment. And I was not being picky. Even McDonald’s (yes I was desperate at the time) wouldn’t hire me, saying I was overqualified (even with a dumbed down resume). That manager must have been smart to see the Engineering, Psychology, and Film education I had, along with the sales background. So, in order to survive, myself, alonside my partner Dawn, travelled cross country to seek my film path out in the most beautiful place in the world, British Columbia. Since then, I have worked, as a lighting technician, on X-Men: The Last Stand, Scary Movie 4, The Dead Zone, Smallville, Stargate: Atlantis, and Supernatural, amongst other productions. Good things do come to those that wait.

Now that I’ve utterly bored you with the inane personal details of my professional life, as you had with your ridiculously long email to me, I shall now get to the point. And just so you’re aware, it’s not the one that sits atop your head. Though I currently work as a lighting technician, and am slowly working at becoming an editor, I harbour desires to direct. Feature length fictional, tightly episodic fictional, and documentary film. And here in Canada, it ends up many times that directors must have a strong hand producing as well, until we qualify for stronger funding.

And having somewhat of a producer’s background with student and independent projects in the past, I understand all about rights and clearences. By me clicking through the link to order an oil canvas print, it has become obvious that by my ordering this print, I am also authorizing you clearances to reproduce the print as an oil canvas, ad naseum, to many buyers, all to give you a profit. And my cut, as the initial artist? I get an “at cost” rate to have the oil portrait, with no royalties on any further copies.

Can you say fuck off yet? I work in an industry, to which if a can of coke is shown in a film of mine, I have to pay Coca Cola a royalty to show advertise their product in my film. How fucked is that?

Ahh, dear Jefferson, you might get some amatuers with that tactic, but I’ve worked on The Dead Zone. They taught me how to spot amatuer hour. And you sir, are the lowest common denominator of amatuer hour. As such, I hereby award you

That is all.
Jeff Vickers
Lighting Technician, Editor, Director

P.S. If you would like to send a letter to the editor, please email me at neolithicfilms@gmail.com, though be warned. If you can’t laugh at yourself, be prepared for the roasting that will ensue.

Once again, that is all.

‘Cuz I got high…

Anyone out there in cyberspace who actually reads my tripe, the following should not come as a surprise. I abhor of solutions to people’s everyday problems which involve throwing money at it, just as one might toss water on a small fire to try to put it out. Exempli gratia, take smoking tobacco. Many of us, myself included, got hooked some way or another, and when reality of the health risks kick in, we developed the desire to quit. However, with the addiction factors, as we are all well versed in, it is much harder than initially expected.

Enter the “quit smoking” industry. Nicotene patches and gum. Perscription drugs. Hypnotherapy. Electronic gadgets to tell you when to smoke. Herbal cigarettes (the non-THC variety). Many ways to “throw money” at a painless way to stop smoking. I remember quitting smoking no less than 5 times in 2004. I threw so much money at the patch, probably just as much as the smokes. And the moment the patch stopped, the smoking once again started. I only truly quit when I remembered my mother, who quit 25 years before my endeavour. She had no patches, no hypnotherapy, no gadgets. Just good old fashioned will power. And sure enough, when I engaged the same philosophy, I was able to quit. For good. I could go on, but it seems that monetary solutions to problems are still no match to the “old fashioned” methods of education, hard work, persistance, and determination to achieve your results.

Well, to keep this from getting way out of hand, I came across a rather disturbing memo today at Best Buy. The sale of Dust-Off compressed air computer cleaners will not be sold to individuals under the age of 19, and the contents have intoxicating effects. Now I’m not going to argue over the intoxicating effects of the compressed gas, nor am I going say that youngsters inhaling various industrial gasses to get high is not a problem. Rather, limiting the sale to 19 year olds and over is NOT going to stop the problem. It might stop a few, but if these kids who need that fix can’t get it ordinarily, they will find another way. I’m just wondering what’s next. Supermarketes who do ID checks for kids buying whipped cream?

When I reminisce about my teen years, I don’t remember virtually anyone who desperately needed to inhale some compressed air. And we knew about whipped cream, but only joked about it. But what was the difference between then and now? Having worked with people 10+ years my junior consistantly, and having returned to school 2 years ago, I do feel the educational standards have more than slipped a bit. But I’m not going to say that having teachers give lectures in classrooms monotonically regurgatating dogma against doing drugs and any mind-altering chemicals is bad will really help the problem. But again reminiscing about my youth does bring something else back. We did a HELL of a lot of extra-cirriculars. Myself, these included (but not limited to) Band (yes I was a band geek, deal with it), Drama, Art, Canadian Armoured Rugby, Baseball, Hockey, Downhill Skiing, unsanctioned Freestyle Skiing (during ski team practices, we got to do some free runs of our own, which we hit jumps and practiced different moves, which was frowned upon by ski patrol), Volleyball, and Basketball, just to name a few. And most of my peers were in the same boat. We did a ton, even when not engaged in an academic focus.

This leads me to two conclusions. First, if our kids are so busy, maybe, just maybe, they wouldn’t have the time to snort whippits and Dust-Off all the time. Secondly, by doing more than just the status-quo, the bare minimum, maybe, just MAYBE, our kids might find things that ignites their passion, and they can focus their efforts in a positive direction, not just putting out the fire of eliminating the fix. Funny, imposing an age restriction on Dust-Off won’t make that kind of an impact on our kids. I just hope more parents begin to realize this soon.

Rant over.