Now, admittedly, I do get brief hits of news from these two free Vancouver (well, there’s versions all across Canada admittedly, as well as America Jr.), as it’s simple to pick one up being on the road all day during the week. Now I do have to go on record and say at least 80% of the pages are filled with tripe like Lindsay Lohan’s latest binge, how 68 lb Nicole Richie is pregnant, how Paris Hilton is crying about her jail stint, and so on, and so on. Then I ran across this:
Vatican issues road ‘Commandments’.
What the duece? So I go home, and actually see articles about this online. From ‘reasonably’ reputable sources, and even propagandist sources like US news networks. Needless to say, it had risen above the levels of the tabloids. While I’m not 100% convinced this is for real, I do feel these 10 road commandments need to face my special attention, read wrath.
To wit:
1. You shall not kill.
Benedict, Benedict, Benedict. If I have to pay Coca-Cola money to have 8 visible frames in a documentary that has a pop can in it, as the Coca-Cola logo is a registered trademark, I only think it’s fair that someone comes out and sues your ass for direct and blatant plagiarism of your own holy texts. An eye for an eye.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
I agree with the no mortal harm thing (with the possible exception of village idiots who really want to tempt fate… and we have loads of those in Vancouver), I highly disagree with eating wafers of bread and drinking wine WHILE operating a motor vehicle. For the latter, consumption of alcohol mixed with driving a motor vehicle is considered to be a very bad way to safely drive. And to have that no mortal harm thing in tact, drinking and driving should be avoided.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
Very true. However, please ammend this one by adding opening your fucking eyes.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
Can’t really take the piss outta this one. Being in need of a boost, running out of petrol, needing a bit of friendly roadside assistance in an awkward spot sucks balls, and my hat is off to all those who help a friend in need.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
I wonder which heartfelt Christian gets to tell all the rich, power-hungry, and self-professed Christians out there that owing a blinged up Hummer or Lexus is now a mortal sin in the eyes of our incumbent Pope? I also wonder if teenage kids will now shag in their parents bedroom instead of the backseat of a car to avoid a one-way ticket to the fiery pits of hell?
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
See MADD, deal.org, and the like. Support your local chapter.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
I completely agree.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
Remember, bad driving is the work of Satan’s helpers, witches. So if they are guilty of their infractions, and are witches, made of wood, and they can float in water, as can a duck. So determining their guilt is easy. If they weigh the same as a duck, they are made of wood, and therefore a witch. Burn the guilty at the stake. But give them the opportunity to repent moments before they become alit.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
So kids, remember, slam on the brakes on the freeway to protect the rodent running across the road, and brace yourself for the 18-wheeler about to slam into your backside.
10. Feel responsible toward others.
Hey. It’s not my fault if someone in front of me slams on the brakes making me do the same. The responsibility is the party in front of me. Maybe this should be preceded by ‘take some fucking responsibility first’.
Benedict’s purpose is not without good intent. However, the practicum in his concept is far from flawless. As such, I have some ‘rules’ of my own.
To wit, the AGW rules of the road:
1. In all cases, Newton overrules ICBC .
2. Drive like you are NOT the only vehicle on the road.
3. Nothing makes anyone more important than anyone else (Dubya should take this to heart). Every driver has somewhere to get, and the road is a first come, first serve situation.
4. Use your fucking indicators ALL THE TIME.
5. Texting, playing Tetris, and talking on a mobile without a handsfree should not be done while operating a manual transmission vehicle.
6. Neither should any activity from 5 be done while operating a automatic transmission, large truck, motorcycle, scooter, or while being a pedestrian crossing an intersection.
7. Another for pedestrians: Do not stop in the middle of an intersection, spend 10 seconds digging up your iPod, and then scan through songs before proceeding, especially when cars are waiting to turn down the street you are crossing.
8. Yet another pedestrian one: Yes, you have right of way. However, watch your ass. Refer to number 1 if this doesn’t quite make sense yet.
9. Putting a sub-woofer in your vehicle to give more bass than anyone can know what to do with will not impress anyone, but rather reveals that your penis cannot be any longer than 2 inches erect.
10. Conversely, instead of hip-hop, listening to the following bands can only bring the correct emotional state to facilitate safe driving: System of a Down, Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, Tool, Rage Against the Machine, Killing Joke, Rob Zombie, and Jane’s Addiction.
That is all.
