After 141 years, can we find what defines us?

Setting the way back machine for, oh, say four years ago in film school, I seem to remember the purpose of our Canadian film history course. We were told the main scope was to piss us off, depress us, or simply put, really hit home how shit domestic funded production is here. The discussion continued on to really rifle in a point. We as Canadians define ourselves in the negative, that is, what we are NOT. We are NOT American.

Thank the Gods for that simple mercy.

In a completely related subject, Ipsos Reid did a survey as to what Canadians think defines Canada. I wonder if anyone who commissioned the study actually watched The Greatest Canadian?

Some of the results seemed a little slanted. The first category on the hopper was most defining Canadian, with the following results:

1. Pierre Trudeau
2. Wayne Gretzky
3. Terry Fox
4. Céline Dion
5. John A. Macdonald
6. David Suzuki
7. Tommy Douglas
8. Stephen Harper
9. Lester Pearson
10. Maurice Richard

Most names fit for me, but what the fuck? Céline Dion? I mean, fuck me, there are dozens of musicians that fit the bill a whole lot better than that annoying diva. Shania Twain. Geddy Lee. Burton Cummings. Gordon Downie. Even Bryan Adams. But NOT Céline, please fuck Gods no!

Monsieur Harper also irritates the fuck outta me. Fair enough, he’s our PM at the moment, and as such sits in Canadian’s minds, but as he personification of Canada? He’s got a face like a smacked ass, and a personality that can be rivaled by river rock or pond scum. Can’t we as Canadians come up with something with zip? No actors hit the list. What about Mike Myers, Jim Carey, Dan Aykroyd, John Candy, Catherine O’Hara, Rick Mercer, Gordon Pinsent, Lorne Greene, Mary Walsh (or even better Marg Delahuntey), Gabrielle Miller, Brent Butt, Leslie Neilson, Raymond Burr, Mary Pickford, and so on, and so on… come on, anyone but Harper. Cripes, he wants to alter Canadian Parliament as so it is a carbon copy of the American system. Twat.

Defining place in Canada was also covered. Click the above link to get the list. My two cents are simple. How the fuck is Toronto more Canadian than Vancouver or Montreal?

The last I have any kind of contrast with is the defining Canadian accomplishment. The following definitely have merit:

1. Canadarm
2. Peacekeeping
3. Universal health care
4. Fredrick Banting - Insulin
5. Alexander Graham Bell - Telephone
6. Diversity, Multiculturalism
7. Canadian Constitution, Charter of Rights and Freedoms
8. Canadian national railway/railroad
9. Freedom
10. Avro Arrow project

Definitely all good accomplishments. I would like to submit a few others, simply for consideration (my beef is more about the limiting of the top ten items in the news story).

1972 Summit Series win over the USSR.
The Atlanta Flames moving to Calgary (the only professional team to leave a big money US market to come to Canada).
The first Canadian to learn to curve their stick using a blowtorch.
Warm Labatt 50.
Even though it’s in Toronto, the giant phallic erection next to the Rogers Centre.
Newfoundland Screech.
Americanized rugby with one less down.
The game of basketball.

And if all else fails, remember the following to bring pride to Canadian-hood:

The reason American beer is like sex in a canoe? It’s fucking close to water.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

Proud to be Canadian

Even in the face of such comments:

‘They’re lucky to be allowed to live on the same continent.’

‘They better hope the United States doesn’t roll over some night and crush them.’

‘We could have taken them [Canada] over so easily.’

‘They don’t even need to have an army, because they are protected, because they’re on the same continent with the United States of America. If we were not the United States of America, Canada — I mean, we’re their trading partner. We keep their economy afloat.’

Yes, for anyone who understands how to use Google, these are the completely Canada-ignorant remarks of the blonde bimbo in the American extreme right wing, one Ann ‘Airhead’ Coulter. But every time I hear her, I have an intellectual disconnect. Is she actually serious, or is she the anti-Stern of right wing American propaganda, existing as nothing more than a ratings whore? And like the greenhouse debate, no empirical evidence confirms one viewpoint conclusively for me.

Still, one thinks she could OPEN A BOOK, before even making a remark like this on CANADIAN television:

But, alas, this post is not about her.

Rather, this is really about Shelley. A Republican named Shelley. Who has a blahg called STR: THE FREEDOM BLOG. Now being a Republican, and Christian are definitely NOT viewpoints I particularly share, if that’s all someone is promoting on their site, I tend to let them be.

But when said individual attacks Canada, I have an issue. Now, having read the tripe that is her blog, she does fall into that Coulter category, as to whether this is Shelley being serious or she is being this obtuse for effect, I cannot discern. Which leads to which evil do I prefer? Doing nothing and her being serious, or attacking a joke. To wit, here are some remarks she makes about Kenny Hotz, Neil Young, and Canada as a whole:

‘I probably don’t need to warn you about our dumb neighbor to the north, but I want to remind you how harmful they can be to our children.’
So long as your children wear helmets when they play hockey against Canadians, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Unless it’s the fear that dealing with Canadians will mean actually HAVING TO TURN YOUR BRAINS ON. Because we all know that organized Christianity really does require mental inactivity.

‘I always know that the Canadians don’t adhere much to the laws of the Bible and don’t give much about morals and decency but I was honestly surprised that crap like Kenny vs. Spenny can legally be aired on Canadian television.’
Considering that Canada is a multicultural nation that embraces many cultural and religious backgrounds, I would say it’s tough to put the morals of one faith over another in this country. As such, we tend to be a much more secular nation than yourselves down south. Kenny vs. Spenny is aired on a cable network later at night, in respect to being a program for an older, more mature audience. If having our programming air in your country offends you, before you blame others, I highly suggest that maybe, just MAYBE, spend time raising your child instead of blaming television programs for the content they may be exposed to. Take some responsibility for fuck sakes.

‘[Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice] are French-Canadians from Toronto.’
Wow. The French accent has changed since I was in Quebec last.

‘It’s getting worse: In that TV show they also worship Satan. Yes, they do. In the show: “Who can stay in a haunted house the longest” Kenny sacrifices a lamb and dances around a pentagram.’
Well, instead of debating the difference you DON’T see between paganism and satanism, I’ll just point out this one thing. Christians all over the world continue Pagan traditions to this very day. Christmas and Easter are in fact Christian euphamised Pagan holidays. So calling Kenny and Spenny satanists is a little like the pot calling the kettle black.

‘Worshiping the Devil on TV? Only in Canada. I suggest we confront Canadians in the future.’
Somehow I get the feeling when Dragnet airs on American networks, the faux Satan worship scenes aren’t cut. And I’m sure there are other films in the same boat.

‘Thankfully he was able to speak/write in English (his show is dubbed).’
Are you dumber than Ann Coulter? No, the show is not dubbed into English.

‘…those ungrateful bastards [Canadians] burn American flags and try to stab a knife between our 3rd and 4th rib as soon as we turn our back!’
Nope. We just beat you in international hockey competitions.

‘Canada is for us not more useful than a parasite.’
Okay then, we’ll just keep all of our lumber, beef, oil, maple syrup, hockey players, genuine Saskatchewan Sealskin, comedians and fresh produce to ourselves.

‘Dear republican Friends! Don’t buy any Canadian products anymore. Don’t buy cars made in Canada (certain Chrysler models for example), don’t travel to Canada. If you meet a canuck, confront him and let him know that this can not go on as it is.’
See the previous comment.

‘[Neil Young] likes to call himself the Godfather of Grunge. I have heard that this name is a reference to a sick sex-act during which his fellow Canadians (Young is Canadian by the way! He ought to be ashamed!) and caffeine-crazies from Seattle cover themselves in a disgusting gloop (the “grunge”) and embark on unspeakable rites and crypto-pagano-sex rituals. It’s disgusting!’
Erm, I know from reading the posts on your blog you’re not a rock fan, but maybe you might want to consider googling grunge with a name like, oh, say, Kurt Cobain and see what you come up with before making a comment like that. Or do you, like the bimbo-slut Coulter choose not to read before opening your mouth?

‘Among Young’s other misdemeanours are the facts that he comes from Canada…’
Damn. Not only is Neil Young a rocker, his brain is in the ‘ON’ position.

‘He was also expelled from school. In Canada! He was too bad for Canada! That’s like being too Irish to take part in a St Patrick’s Day parade or too dumb to stand for election as a Democ-rat!’
If he was too bad for Canada, it might explain why he moved to the States.

As for Neil Young, my fellow Canadian, please, Keep on Rocking in the Free World.

To Kenny Hotz, you truly are a great Canadian.

To all other Canadians out there, Happy Canada Day!

That is all.