Occasionally, the ‘day job’ really hits the spot. Like today. Aside from being a low impact day physically, I got to enjoy the Sunshine Coast, home of Sechelt and Gibsons. The latter was the setting for the long running Canadian show The Beachcombers. One can only imagine my surprise and joy today when I looked straight ahead at this:
Fond memories of a great show from my childhood sure beats out the shit we had to endure last night. It’s gotten to the point now that hanging out with Golf Guy is a far superior option than watching any Canucks hockey now. Eight straight home losses? We’re just as bad as the Detroit Lions now. Frak.
This post, however, will NOT be dedicated to the Gong Show south of the border, nor the Gong Show we’re going through up here. Rather, in my blog surfing, I have a spark that has bypassed both my writer’s block and badly messed up ankle enough to formulate a reasonable post.
As such, Peter put up this post yesterday. With the title From the Mailbag it would seem it was some sort of forwarded email. It tickles the funny bone, especially if your political systems sits right of center. Mine does not. So as a rebuttal, I give you this Master’s course in the history of humanity:
Many thousands of years ago, Cylons (Titans) and Humanity warred in the heavens. They eventually found their way to a nuclear wasteland called Earth. The few who remained became Lords of Kobol, or Olympian Gods, and remained in the heavens. The hybrid children, the only who were naturally resistant to Earth’s radiation, became the new evolution of humanity. The male children were told one statement which became the center of all their truths and beliefs. A male phallus must be at least six inches in length, or one is not truly a man.
As a result, man became divided into two factions. Phallically superior, or Liberals, and phallically challenged, or Conservatives. Confident in their manhood, Liberals were calm, relaxed, and sought a peaceful and meaningful co-existence with their environment and their brothers and sisters. Conservatives felt the need to prove they were just as much a man as their Liberal brothers. They waged many wars, built oversized spears solely for the purpose of resting the handle on their groin and dreaming, and spread the myth that this
is six inches. This perpetrated lie finally gets the Conservatives laid, and they learn that lies, misinformation, and academic resistance can give them power.
The Liberals realize this, but instead of challenging this myth, they go on to create democracy. Plato, a great Liberal, founds the governing system of the great classical civilizations of Greece and Rome. Rome eventually overtook Greece, and the Roman empire would be more than just a church today if not for the interference of three key figures. Gaivs Ivlivs Caesar (more commonly known as Julius Caesar), Jesus of Nazereth, and Constantine I all played their part in the dissection of democracy and the path to the dark ages.
Caesar, the first documented Conservative who was looking for a cure to impotency, took the credit for one of his soldiers impregnating Cleopatra with his supposed son, Caesarion. After being named dictator for life, he needed a successor, and since his half-Egyptian son would not be old enough to take over in the face of his impending doom, he had to adopt a brilliant Liberal, Gaivs Octavivs (more commonly known as Augustus). This liberal brilliantly created a system to have an Emperor disguised from the mob of Rome, as a measure to avert civil war. However, Augustus’s adoptive heir Tiberius was a eunuch, and the Conservative line of emperors had but one Liberal.
During the reign of Augustus, a brilliant black man named Jesus was born. Another gifted and potent Liberal, was able to commercialize the notion of peace. Outraged, Jewish and Roman Conservatives conspired to murder Jesus before he could have children to continue his line. Jesus was crucified, and his wife Mary was forced to escape and live in exile. The possibility of an ancestral line has been obscured through the Conservative fictionalization of history.
Three hundred years later, Constantine I, the ultimate bandwagoner, realized the Pagan cult was being threatened by misguided Christian followers. In true Roman tradition, he merged the two cults, giving the black Christ the face of Galactica’s CAG, Apollo. The message of peace was augmented to peace, so long as you believe what I believe, otherwise you’re a sinner and going straight to hell. The dark ages, a system based on class and money and power, was to begin. Christ’s message of peace was spread at the point of a sword through crusades, witch hunts, and the lovely relationship between England and Ireland.
Fast forward to recently. Christopher Columbus popularizes the well known notion that the earth is round. Europe colonizes America, and two dominant countries emerge. Canada (mostly Liberal) and the United States (phallically challenged Conservatives). The US fights for their freedom first, kicked off by pouring all their tea into the Boston harbour. Being now permanently without drinkable tea, they water their beer down to such a level that they can drink beer while they work. This has quite the negative effect as the highly conservative American’s alcohol tolerance drops so low they can still get drunk on 4 or less of these highly de-alcoholized beverages.
Canada, however, has a bunch of drunken riots in the streets of Toronto, Montreal, and Quebec City. Getting fed up as the drunken Canadians can not feel pain when they are fought, Great Britain, realizing these drunken Liberals are the greatest fighting force known to man, stay heavily allied to us while giving us our freedom. We bail the Allies out of both WWI and WWII, invent the games of hockey and basketball, invent the telephone, develop insulin injections for diabetics, developed working universal healthcare, inspire grunge music, become the face of Star Trek, and most importantly, discovered the true Holy Grail.
Now if we could only find a better Liberal leader than Stephane Dion already?
Setting the way back machine for, oh, say four years ago in film school, I seem to remember the purpose of our Canadian film history course. We were told the main scope was to piss us off, depress us, or simply put, really hit home how shit domestic funded production is here. The discussion continued on to really rifle in a point. We as Canadians define ourselves in the negative, that is, what we are NOT. We are NOT American.
Some of the results seemed a little slanted. The first category on the hopper was most defining Canadian, with the following results:
1. Pierre Trudeau
2. Wayne Gretzky
3. Terry Fox
4. Céline Dion
5. John A. Macdonald
6. David Suzuki
7. Tommy Douglas
8. Stephen Harper
9. Lester Pearson
10. Maurice Richard
Most names fit for me, but what the fuck? Céline Dion? I mean, fuck me, there are dozens of musicians that fit the bill a whole lot better than that annoying diva. Shania Twain. Geddy Lee. Burton Cummings. Gordon Downie. Even Bryan Adams. But NOT Céline, please fuck Gods no!
Monsieur Harper also irritates the fuck outta me. Fair enough, he’s our PM at the moment, and as such sits in Canadian’s minds, but as he personification of Canada? He’s got a face like a smacked ass, and a personality that can be rivaled by river rock or pond scum. Can’t we as Canadians come up with something with zip? No actors hit the list. What about Mike Myers, Jim Carey, Dan Aykroyd, John Candy, Catherine O’Hara, Rick Mercer, Gordon Pinsent, Lorne Greene, Mary Walsh (or even better Marg Delahuntey), Gabrielle Miller, Brent Butt, Leslie Neilson, Raymond Burr, Mary Pickford, and so on, and so on… come on, anyone but Harper. Cripes, he wants to alter Canadian Parliament as so it is a carbon copy of the American system. Twat.
Defining place in Canada was also covered. Click the above link to get the list. My two cents are simple. How the fuck is Toronto more Canadian than Vancouver or Montreal?
The last I have any kind of contrast with is the defining Canadian accomplishment. The following definitely have merit:
1. Canadarm
2. Peacekeeping
3. Universal health care
4. Fredrick Banting – Insulin
5. Alexander Graham Bell – Telephone
6. Diversity, Multiculturalism
7. Canadian Constitution, Charter of Rights and Freedoms
8. Canadian national railway/railroad
9. Freedom
10. Avro Arrow project
Definitely all good accomplishments. I would like to submit a few others, simply for consideration (my beef is more about the limiting of the top ten items in the news story).
1972 Summit Series win over the USSR.
The Atlanta Flames moving to Calgary (the only professional team to leave a big money US market to come to Canada).
The first Canadian to learn to curve their stick using a blowtorch.
Warm Labatt 50.
Even though it’s in Toronto, the giant phallic erection next to the Rogers Centre.
Newfoundland Screech.
Americanized rugby with one less down.
The game of basketball.
And if all else fails, remember the following to bring pride to Canadian-hood:
The reason American beer is like sex in a canoe? It’s fucking close to water.
‘They’re lucky to be allowed to live on the same continent.’
‘They better hope the United States doesn’t roll over some night and crush them.’
‘We could have taken them [Canada] over so easily.’
‘They don’t even need to have an army, because they are protected, because they’re on the same continent with the United States of America. If we were not the United States of America, Canada — I mean, we’re their trading partner. We keep their economy afloat.’
Yes, for anyone who understands how to use Google, these are the completely Canada-ignorant remarks of the blonde bimbo in the American extreme right wing, one Ann ‘Airhead’ Coulter. But every time I hear her, I have an intellectual disconnect. Is she actually serious, or is she the anti-Stern of right wing American propaganda, existing as nothing more than a ratings whore? And like the greenhouse debate, no empirical evidence confirms one viewpoint conclusively for me.
Still, one thinks she could OPEN A BOOK, before even making a remark like this on CANADIAN television:
But, alas, this post is not about her.
Rather, this is really about Shelley. A Republican named Shelley. Who has a blahg called STR: THE FREEDOM BLOG. Now being a Republican, and Christian are definitely NOT viewpoints I particularly share, if that’s all someone is promoting on their site, I tend to let them be.
But when said individual attacks Canada, I have an issue. Now, having read the tripe that is her blog, she does fall into that Coulter category, as to whether this is Shelley being serious or she is being this obtuse for effect, I cannot discern. Which leads to which evil do I prefer? Doing nothing and her being serious, or attacking a joke. To wit, here are some remarks she makes about Kenny Hotz, Neil Young, and Canada as a whole:
‘I probably don’t need to warn you about our dumb neighbor to the north, but I want to remind you how harmful they can be to our children.’
So long as your children wear helmets when they play hockey against Canadians, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Unless it’s the fear that dealing with Canadians will mean actually HAVING TO TURN YOUR BRAINS ON. Because we all know that organized Christianity really does require mental inactivity.
‘I always know that the Canadians don’t adhere much to the laws of the Bible and don’t give much about morals and decency but I was honestly surprised that crap like Kenny vs. Spenny can legally be aired on Canadian television.’
Considering that Canada is a multicultural nation that embraces many cultural and religious backgrounds, I would say it’s tough to put the morals of one faith over another in this country. As such, we tend to be a much more secular nation than yourselves down south. Kenny vs. Spenny is aired on a cable network later at night, in respect to being a program for an older, more mature audience. If having our programming air in your country offends you, before you blame others, I highly suggest that maybe, just MAYBE, spend time raising your child instead of blaming television programs for the content they may be exposed to. Take some responsibility for fuck sakes.
‘[Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice] are French-Canadians from Toronto.’
Wow. The French accent has changed since I was in Quebec last.
‘It’s getting worse: In that TV show they also worship Satan. Yes, they do. In the show: “Who can stay in a haunted house the longest” Kenny sacrifices a lamb and dances around a pentagram.’
Well, instead of debating the difference you DON’T see between paganism and satanism, I’ll just point out this one thing. Christians all over the world continue Pagan traditions to this very day. Christmas and Easter are in fact Christian euphamised Pagan holidays. So calling Kenny and Spenny satanists is a little like the pot calling the kettle black.
‘Worshiping the Devil on TV? Only in Canada. I suggest we confront Canadians in the future.’
Somehow I get the feeling when Dragnet airs on American networks, the faux Satan worship scenes aren’t cut. And I’m sure there are other films in the same boat.
‘Thankfully he was able to speak/write in English (his show is dubbed).’
Are you dumber than Ann Coulter? No, the show is not dubbed into English.
‘…those ungrateful bastards [Canadians] burn American flags and try to stab a knife between our 3rd and 4th rib as soon as we turn our back!’
Nope. We just beat you in international hockey competitions.
‘Canada is for us not more useful than a parasite.’
Okay then, we’ll just keep all of our lumber, beef, oil, maple syrup, hockey players, genuine Saskatchewan Sealskin, comedians and fresh produce to ourselves.
‘Dear republican Friends! Don’t buy any Canadian products anymore. Don’t buy cars made in Canada (certain Chrysler models for example), don’t travel to Canada. If you meet a canuck, confront him and let him know that this can not go on as it is.’
See the previous comment.
‘[Neil Young] likes to call himself the Godfather of Grunge. I have heard that this name is a reference to a sick sex-act during which his fellow Canadians (Young is Canadian by the way! He ought to be ashamed!) and caffeine-crazies from Seattle cover themselves in a disgusting gloop (the “grunge”) and embark on unspeakable rites and crypto-pagano-sex rituals. It’s disgusting!’
Erm, I know from reading the posts on your blog you’re not a rock fan, but maybe you might want to consider googling grunge with a name like, oh, say, Kurt Cobain and see what you come up with before making a comment like that. Or do you, like the bimbo-slut Coulter choose not to read before opening your mouth?
‘Among Young’s other misdemeanours are the facts that he comes from Canada…’
Damn. Not only is Neil Young a rocker, his brain is in the ‘ON’ position.
‘He was also expelled from school. In Canada! He was too bad for Canada! That’s like being too Irish to take part in a St Patrick’s Day parade or too dumb to stand for election as a Democ-rat!’
If he was too bad for Canada, it might explain why he moved to the States.
As for Neil Young, my fellow Canadian, please, Keep on Rocking in the Free World.
To Kenny Hotz, you truly are a great Canadian.
To all other Canadians out there, Happy Canada Day!
