Big Bush is Watching — Always

Bush is good. Terrorism is ungood. Any act upon Bush, Republicanism, or any person or business in the United States is now considered Terrorism. Remember, Terrorism is ungood. Any thought or intent against us is thoughtcrime. Thoughtcrime is terrorism.

Intellect is thought. Thus Intellectual Property is a product of thought. Theft of Intellectual Property is thoughtcrime. Thoughtcrime is terrorism.

Now copying music is thoughtcrime. Downloading non-approved information is thoughtcrime. Visiting sites not congruent with America is thoughtcrime. Thoughtcrime is terrorism.

Beloved Big Brother Bush is good. Bush declared that this is thoughtcrime. Big Brother is Bush. Big Brother is always watching.

Unthinking things are like this? Stop unlooking, begin looking. Big Brother is everywhere already. Thought against Big Brother breeds dissent. Dissent breeds violence. Violence is terrorism. Big Brother will spend all efforts trying to stomp out the root cause of ungood… thoughtcrime. Thoughtcrime is Terrorism.

That is all.

Hat-tip: Todd, for sending me originally this.

The Quest for the Holy Grail

For nearly two thousand years, man has sought the holy grail. Is it in the Middle East, France, or England? Is it a cup, or rather a reference to the bride of ol’ JC himself, Mary Magdalene? Do we have to trot around, pretending to ride horses with squires in tow banging coconuts together to foley a horse hoof sound?

Well, none of you are right. Devout Christians, Pagan Christians, believers, nay sayers, da Vinci, Dan Brown, you are ALL WRONG. For the Holy Grail is not this cup…

but rather this one.

Yes, we Canadians have known the true nature of the Grail for some 100+ years now. And tonight, the long but exciting run as to who lifts the glorious chalice in victory begins. Canada, with a resurgence in teams due to fairer economic rules of play, are fielding four of their five clubs.

Now Toronto fans may not understand the math. Though the knee jerk reaction would be to assume Montreal is part of Quebec and not Canada would be their primary response, it would not fit mathematically as Montreal made the playoffs, and more importantly Montreal is the major part of Quebec that keeps the province Canadian, and thusly is a VERY Canadian city.

Rather, it is Toronto that is excluded from the list of being Canadian. Though they deny it, Torontonians secretly harbour desires to be American, they’re the one city that abysmally fails in supporting Canadian Football Rugby, as they truly want an American Football Rugby franchise. Thus, Canada casts Toronto out of it’s jurisdiction (at least as it pertains to the blessed game, Hockey).

As for me, whose “new” hometown team, the Canucks, completely collapsed and missed the playoffs, I have one goal I’d like to see (but have no control over less maybe karma), that being an all-Canadian final. As such, my predictions for the Canadian content of the first round is as follows:

Oilers def. Red Wings, 4 games to 2.
Senators def. Lightning, 4 games to 0.
Flames def. Ducks, 4 games to 3.
Habs def. Hurricanes, 4 games to 2.

Oh Canada!

I think it’s a first

Well, aside from the fact that Kenny vs. Spenny was NOT on Showcase tonight (I think they are reformatting their schedule), the funniest thing I saw on the television on funny Sunday was NOT from this infant

But rather from Cirrhosis, the Wonder Dog.

And without further adieu, his brilliant quote:

That’s very Christian of you… believe what I say or I’ll hurt you…

That is all.

The New Addiction

Well, as many (read three) of you may remember reading last July at this post, I talked about the devastating psychological impact of what we call Tetris dreams.

Well, to update you from that current scenario, not much has changed. Putting myself once more available to IATSE for film calls, I find myself doing various puzzles to occupy the time. The latest addiction?

SUDOKU.

It started just filling out the puzzle in Metro News, but now the addiction has spun out of control. I just fear the onset of Sudoku Dreams now.

That is all.

We all have to die!!!

Well, okay, only 90% of us. From a debate remeniscent of a high school/freshman Geography debate, the rapid increase in population must be circumvented somehow, otherwise the gigantic human population will no be sustainable on earth, and as such, destroy all the resources, leaving the planet dead.

Enter this man…

Dr. Eric R. Pianka. To summarize his main points, the population of the earth must be drastically cut by 90% in order to save it. The question is how to execute such a mass murder? War and famine are too selective. AIDS works too slowly. His choice?

Infect 90% of the masses with Ebola. Nothing is as fast acting. For further reading, head on to The Citizen Scientist for a full article on Dr. Pianka, and also head to Peter’s site, where he has already put in his two cents and inspired me to put in two of my own.

Now, remembering back through the haze of Grade 13 World Issues, where we studied issues pertaining to population growth, there are not just one, but two ways to control the population. One, the way Pianka suggests, to increase the death rate, but two, to limit the birth rate. Id est, teach the bloody world to use birth control. Yes, I do know of people in Canada and the USA who don’t have the faintest clue about how to control birth. Or what a condom is for that matter. So as a wake up call to archaic groups who condemn the use of birth control, I say this in the words of Rage Against the Machine: WAKE UP. There is far more at stake than your outdated belief structures.

To answer Peter’s question, however, yes, I would want Dr. Pianka to teach my children, if the opportunity were to present itself. Not for the traditional reasons that I want my future children to subscribe to his viewpoints. Rather, that Dr. Pianka is a university professor, and as such, university is an environment to which independent thought is fostered in young adults, and as such, would like my children to challenge him if that was the point of view they would take. I want my kids to see the opposing points of view, make up their own minds, and go to whatever ends they see fit to defend those values. Unfortunately, hiding them from views contrary to my own comfort zones will not allow them to evolve intellectually.

As to Dr. Pianka, the wannabe architect of the sudden death of 90% of our population, I have these parting shots.

1. Just how big is the list of people who have pissed you off in your lifetime anyway?
2. Based on how most of your students have studied World War II and the events leading up to such, how many people do you think will subscribe to your theories of mass murder? Well, you are a professor in Texas, which may say a lot.

And without further adieu, I hereby present Dr. Pianka with

That is all.

What a long, strange trip it’s been

And keep in mind I haven’t even toked all year. Well except for New Years. Anyhow, as for the few committed readers of mine, even fewer who have changed their links to me realize, I’m not up to my usual 1 post per day standard. I may have touched on this before, but I shall re-iterate this one instance I have noticed between the summer and the winter.

In the summer, I worked fairly consistently in the film industry here in Vancouver. This meant 12-14 hour days typically, getting up right early, and getting home right late. Yet, through all of it, I had loads of energy at home in my brief downtime, and during days off had energy to explore our new home with my bride to be, Dawn. I almost always had a blog post of some form, and things were good.

In the late fall, as the frequency of film calls dropped dramatically, I sought employment through the winter, at my local Best Buy, who’s motto is No Commission, No Pressure. Well, more about that in a minute. Back to the point, I only work 8 hour days at the big blue box, and I come home almost completely exhausted. I had aspirations of writing a few short films to shoot before film picked up. But how on earth can I write even one short film if I can’t even manage 1 post a day?

Well, to put things bluntly, I truly believe I was meant to work in film. I come home charged (whether that’s a good thing or not is subject to debate, but is a good indicator of my mood). Hence my mood allows me to overcome physical fatigue factors. However, Best Buy is draining. Why? Well, the motto listed above is half right. We are not paid commission on any sales. We make our $9 and change an hour, and that’s it. However, there’s huge pressure to push sales of service plan and accessories. For further references, see BestBuySux.org. As such, there still remains the pressure.

Luckily, now, this week things are changing. Dawn and I are finally getting things in gear for our wedding, which for all intensive purposes looks to be occuring around the middle of October. But with the pricetag of a wedding, fiancially things must change from my conditions of employment at Best Buy. Well, luckily enough, our dear friends at IATSE, the film technician’s union, gave us the wake up call, letting Dawn and I know things are back in full swing. What could this mean?

I can reduce hours at Best Buy, I can work in film, I can make money, I can pay for the wedding, and most importantly, I CAN LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN. It’s just a shame I didn’t see the GM’s face when he found out.

Yes, spring is here. The hibernation is over. Life is returning to my body.

That is all.

God I was just born in the wrong decade

And there’s also nothing like the idle chatter that goes on between people when they’re dead broke, in the shitter, and appear to have nothing in common. Yesterday, I had to work the second “job”, with one of the legalized prostitutes in Vancouver, Labour Unlimited. And, instead of working on some high-rise condo unit in the city of Vancouver for a conglomerate of construction management companies, I worked for a lady out in the “country”, at least as it applies in the Vancouver area, in the village of Lions Bay. It was a beautiful area with a beautiful view, and Dawn near shot me for not getting a pic, though it was too cloudy to really get a good one.

Well, during the ongoing idle chatter as we moved the stones around on her driveway (she was having it redone), we got into housing costs, and where someone “my age” could affordably get property. As it exists now, until I become rather established in editing, we’re reliant on being around Burnaby as to be within reasonably commutes. So, on a property purchase, condos are the only affordable option at the moment.

Then she dropped the bomb. A spacious house with a view just north of Horseshoe Bay, at the foot of the Lions cost at the time a whopping $100,000. Now the property is worth well over a million. What the duece?

Even where Dawn and I are, to get a condo in our neighborhood could run us $300,000+, we wouldn’t have outdoors to our property less possibly a balcony, and far less space indoors. Our parent’s generation NEVER, EVER had to deal with increasing property values like this.

God I really need to be making more than $9.80 per hour at Best Buy.

That is all.

Balance to the Dark Side

Having watched EVERY SINGLE STAR WARS FILM a bare minimum of 200 times each, and read hundreds of forums arguing philosophical points of the story, most notably the argument as to whether Anakin is truly the Chosen One. Some people say no, because he turned to evil, that the chosen one is his son, Luke, whose hope sways Vader to destroy the Emperor. Other, George Lucas included, argue that Anakin is the chosen one, and he ultimately brings balance to the force by, surprise, surprise, destroying the Emperor.

However, this post is not about that argument. If you begin to debate any of the above points without reading beyond, you are then dumber than one Peter Gilligan Griffin. This post will start with this point. That most people’s argument about balance to the force is, well, out of balance.

It seems many debaters arguments as to balance is rather askew. When you get to the meat of their argument, “balance” ends up meaning “the end of evil.” Call me crazy, but I thought that equal proportions of good and evil would be balance, not the absence of one or the other. In the beginning of the saga, Good far outweighs evil. Anakin, as Vader, destroys almost all the Jedi in the galaxy, slanting it toward evil. Vader, seeing his son die at the hands of the “friend” who promised to help him protect his family (and utterly fail in the process) sees what a “friend” he is, and in one final act, rids the universe of this strong force of evil, leaving the universe with one Jedi and a whole lot of evil characters in different corners of the universe, hence Anakin’s transformation to Vader is key to bring balance, otherwise there would be far too many Jedi.

To stay away from ultimate dorkdom on my own blog presence (well, okay, there’s about 10 of you who read consistently), my own life has been filled with an odd kind of balance. To summarize:

1. Liverpool FC lost to Benefica in the Champions League, then lost more and slid further into third in the Premiership, behind Chelsea and [sic] Man U.

2. Liverpool then rebounded earlier this week by hammering Birmingham City, in Birmingham, 0-7.

3. Vancouver, after the Olympic break, sucked ass, and slid into 9th in the NHL Western Conference.

4. In a do or die match, beat Edmonton on Tuesday, then repeated the victory in the second of three consecutive matches winning 4-3 after a shootout.

5. The Toronto Maple Leafs start to show life late in the season and may make the playoffs [may I vomit yet?]

6. Montreal (my town of origin) tonight spanks the Leafs 5-1 in the first of two games dans la Centre Bell.

7. Dawn and my wedding plans for Barkerville go askew as they do not offer the $1000 package anymore.

8. We learn we can have the wedding at Grouse Mountain here in Vancouver, which is a favourite spot for the both of us.

9. The wedding will cost well upwards of $6,500.

10. It will be worth the price of admission to see my Mom take the airtram to the peak, as she’s deathly afraid of heights.

11. Best Buy still just plains sucks.

12. Film work is coming in full force soon.

13. Money is tight.

14. One show is calling me regularly trying to get a hold of me.

15. They’re calling me when I’m at work, and the voice at the other end speaks so low that Dawn can’t make out the phone number.

16. I think I have a story now I feel confident I can shoot.

I could go on, but hopefully you get the point at this stage.

That is all.

My Favourite type of People

Leave it to a week of writer’s block to begin to open up the floodgates of posts. I would like to make two remarks in this short post.

Firstly, to Samantha, yes, I am aware you made a why Conservatives should become Liberals post too. I just didn’t find it quite as funny as mine.

Secondly, to the mystery person (or would it be feline) Cat. It seems my bashing of Country Music (is that an oxymoron) struck a chord with the mystery person. And I say mystery person because Cat did not leave neither a blog/website address nor did he/she leave an email. Now fair enough, not everybody on the ‘net publishes a blog, nor maintains a website. However, almost everybody has an email address. Who on here doesn’t at least have a Yahoo/Hotmail/Gmail addy anyhow?

So yes, Cat fits into my favorite category of people. Those who put their two cents of poison pen in, but leave no contact as to who they are or how to find them. Cat, you showed about as much courage as a big schoolyard bully beating up a skinny weakling.

Now, for those of you who have been reading from the beginning, the first post of this blog was this disclaimer. For the follow the click impaired, it makes a couple of points. First, most posts on here are JOKES, though I can’t guarantee the humour will be all that funny. Secondly, if you can’t take a joke, DON’T BE ONE.

To all of that, I’d like to add a little. I post what I like, when I like to. Not that any of my work is in high demand. No, I will not delete anything from a post because someone may find it offensive, nor will I delete a comment. Comments I hate will be subjugated to flaming by my poison pen at will. I support freedom of speech. If you don’t like it, instead of whinging, I suggest just not tuning in.

As for Cat, I hereby award you…

That is all.

Where is this man?

For close to a week, the 'umble writer of this utter piece of shit
wonderful blog has not managed one single post, thus affecting his
typical average of one post per day. Well, his absence has been, well,
completely overlooked as he was not missed one minute, less his beloved
Yorkshire Girl, who unbeknownst to many has suceeded into reclusion, only appearing to check webcams at Ordsall Hall.

As many of you readers (what, about 10-12 of you now?) know, this
eccentric mid-thirties dweeb spends his summers working in the film
industry in Vancouver. What many of you may not know, however, is how
many people associate his appearence quite strongly to several
celebrities in current pop culture. As such, he may be hiding under one
of five aliases:

Yes, Jeff too secretly devised world domination plans, only to be
thwarted by his ever vigilant mother. Embittered for the nine-month
prison term he spent in her womb, his world conquest included his
mother's demise. Those plans disappeared about the same time he trekked
out west to work in film. Though Stewie Griffin is too young an alias
for Jeff now, it does seem that the rumours are true. Seth MacFarlane
got a hold of an old baby picture and based the character on Jeff. How
Jeff's head ceased to be rugby ball shaped is still a mystery.

During Jeff's grand experience in University, he learned the true meaning of Tom Petty's Last Dance With Mary Jane,
and to boot, had flatmates who believed I was a near clone of the great
rock star. Mind you, not many people see the resemblance. Maybe there
was too much Mary Jane involved to make an accurate match.

Later in University, Chris Carter began production of The X-Files.
With that, David Duchovny's career was born, and many friends of Jeff's
(yup, in his universe, five does qualify for many in this category)
were able to not only see the physical resemblance (less the hair
colour), but also noticed shocking character similarities between Jeff
and Fox Mulder. It became very little surprise then that Jeff chose
Mulder as his online pseudonym for various chat and sci-fi forums to
bitch about the lack of quality in film. Well, the bitching about film
does qualify as one of the internet's two true purposes, doesn't it?

Yes, after graduation, one of Jeff's close friends consitantly
reminded him that he was the spitting image of Beck. Jeff fought this
notion tooth and nail, though during a freak appearence at a Hallowe'en
party near Lester B. Pearson Airport in 1997, a gaggle of teenage girls
at the event were convinced that not only did Jeff look like Beck, but
rather that he WAS Beck. Freaky.

This one is just recent, but it does seem the management at Jeff's
current job seem to think that Jeff looks a lot like William H. Macy.
It's another one that's tough to see, but maybe it's just the hair.

Coincidence? Maybe. Those close to Jeff, however, feel he's on
another of his delusions of grandieur. The most likely occurence from
Jeff? Probably roaming around the lower mainland, force choking his
foes, his identity concealed in this disguise:

Beware, in this state of mind, he is highly delusional, and may be
prone to reciting the entire Star Wars Saga to you, line for line.

That is all.