Leaf Smack 1.0

Welcome to Toronto…

The WORST place on Earth.

Go Canucks Go!

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

Filet Mignon and the Burrow

Bah. Another drought in posting. Still, I’ve had much worse months. Aside from various personal issues, I haven’t had much fodder. Less one thing, and really attacking this in the slump really would be like kicking a dead horse. For those fellow hockey fans (read Peter and Ben), I’m sure they’ve noticed that the Canucks have had a less than stellar record as of late. Nine straight home losses, to be exact. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t listen to the Team for longer than five minutes after Rome goes off the air. Every armchair GM has their ‘thoughts’ about how to improve the situation. The answers are common, but the angst comes from a place like they expected this squad was going all the way to the cup. It is sad, that reality has no factor for the majority of ‘Nuck fans.

Bah. In response to all, I give you this open letter to Mike Gillis and Filet Mignon Vinny Alain Vigneault, or AV.

Hi Mike. Bonjour Alain. Before you start taking this to heart, I am not the typical demographic for a Canucks fan. I played as a kid growing up. I didn’t grow up in Vancouver, but rather most of my hockey days were in [sic] the armpit of Canada. I played in the cold. Simply put, I actually understand the game. I’m not a clone, a cylon, a borg who just chants ‘Go Nucks Go’ and expects the Holy Grail to make it’s way to our rainy streets, only to have my heart shattered yet again that we fell short.

On that note, guess what? We will again this year. Whether or not this crew will make the second season or not, well, that can be a debate on blogs and forums which we’ll all see come April. But the stark playoff truth is this. All roads will go through Detroit and San Jose. Our crew isn’t going to survive that path. Not without an act of the Gods this season, but possibly will do down the road.

Being that my whole family is from Montreal, we had to endure the latter part of the 90’s and the early part of this decade with really shitty renditions of les Glorieux. Alain should be quite familiar with that by now. He coached some of them. But now the Canadiens are a serious playoff contender. Why? They sucked so long they could draft, develop, and amass a great deal of young talent. Chicago did the same. In losing Naslund and Morrison, it was clear the direction was toward a youth movement.

Now, from what I remember from minor hockey, our coaches (the good ones anyway) actually kept the kids together for a number of games to allow them to develop chemistry. They didn’t juggle the lines every second shift because things weren’t working immediately. Alain, there is a lesson to be learned here. To wit, there are many things that are worse than having a rough few games while sticking out your best estimate as to the most feasible line combinations.

In no particular order,

Finding out your superstar has his face splattered all over the internet while he’s taking a big hit from a bong.

The Twins are arrested and convicted of running a cock-fighting ring.

Finding out Luongo is on steroids.

Having Luongo deny any use of said steroids.

Having the prosecution provide indisputable evidence that proves Luongo’s guilt.

Sundin could have a career ending injury prior to the end of the regular season.

Bieksa could retire from the league after having an extramarital affair with another player’s wife.

You could sign Sean Avery before the trade deadline.

You could juggle the lines so much you lose nine home games in a row, many games to weaker opponents.

Oh, wait, you already did the last one. Still, this is one of the best markets in North America for hockey. Do the fans a real justice. Bite the bullet for the next few seasons, let players gel, and build a contender in the future that will stay a contender for quite some time. And don’t think that splitting up Kesler and Burrows is going to get the latter to score a ton more.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

I am the Anti-Clone part I

Before I start though, I do have to say I love listening to Jim Rome in the morning while I work. This early clip started the lifelong enjoyment of the current king of smack:

If I wasn’t so self assured, I might have a problem with Rome. I am a Star Wars fan. Enough to the point I have collectibles, know all six films inside-out, and even looking at my desk or blog might convince Jim I am Star Wars guy. Maybe even after looking at me he might coin ‘Battlestar‘ guy. Fair enough. If he (or anyone else) wants to try to lay the smack on me because of my fandom, so be it. I simply won’t rise to the occasion. Though the practicum may execute itself a bit differently, we do live in a just and free society, in which we are allowed to like whatever we want. Period. Rome and the clones don’t like sci-fi. Whatever. To each their own.

I do agree with Rome on a great many things. There’s too much shit going on in the world as a whole (the sports world notwithstanding), and the media, the press are just not telling the right story. There’s far too much responsibility to the advertisers and very little to the truth. Rome really cuts through the cheese, IMHO, gives credit where it’s due, and lays the smack with the same moral compass.

And best of all, he’s fucking funny as shit doing it. Watch the clip again. And again. And again. And so forth.

Occasionally though, he gets his facts wrong. Like when it comes to hockey. Yesterday. After shitting on a fellow Canadian for wearing a Rush T-Shirt but admitting he only knows one song (Tom Sawyer), then following up with his [an American's] vastly superior knowledge of the greatest ever Canadian band, Rome decides to make it up to his Canadian listeners by talking hockey. As in Gary Bettman’s cover-up of the milking of player’s salaries to ease the economic uncertainty of the league by ‘re-investigating’ the fighting issue.

What issue? Oh, we mean the issue the asshats who actually never watched the game or care for it, that have to spew out because the fighting makes hockey as violent as gladiatorial combat from Ancient Roman times? The players don’t want to remove fighting. The coaches, GM’s and owners don’t. The league doesn’t. And mostly, the fans don’t.

And Rome was right about the two reasons. First, there’s the sense of vigilante justice. It’s not refined, but neither is hockey. But it works. It worked in the wild west, and it works now in the NHL (and all other levels of hockey for that matter). You go after my top scorer, I’ll fight you. Is there any reason that Wayne Gretzky, a relatively small man among his peers, never had any major injuries in his prime? Two words solve that issue. Dave Semenko. Two more words would be Marty McSorley. You hurt our star, we punch you. Again. And again. And again. And so forth. And it works. And it’s a fuck of a lot safer for the players than a skate or stick to the neck or head.

Very much like a chapter out of the book of the second greatest living Canadian, Don Cherry. And Rome gives loads of praise to the uniquely dressed hockey analyst. Almost too much. It’s like his take on hockey is verbatim to the former Bruins coach.

Which explains the logical disconnect to the second point. Rome starts it right. Fighting has a high entertainment value. Absolutely correct. Though it’s close to the lowest common denominator, it’s what will grow hockey into uncharted markets. Everybody loves a good fight. Even the grannies who say fighting is not Christian, not moral, not the right thing to do, they gawk, cheer, and even egg on when watching a good row. Fighting sells. There’s no denying that.

And that’s where his point finishes it’s logical course. Rome then goes on to say that hockey does not translate well to television, that Fox Sports needed to put the ‘Fox Puck’ in a lame attempt to help the average Joe follow the game, and so on, re-iterating that it’s an untelevisable sport. Well, he’s half right.

First, here in Canada, we have this show called Hockey Night in Canada. It has run for 57 years and is consistently one of the highest rated shows for the entire Canadian market. So don’t give me that shit that it doesn’t translate to television. The reason hockey fails in the US is this. You’re right in that the average American has trouble following the game. We big goons from the North all played since our very tender youth. All of us. We got up at 5 AM every freezing Saturday to practice, or to some tournament 4 hours out of town, to go into a freezing cold arena wearing a t-shirt, underpants and our hockey equipment and skate into each other at high speed for the better part of 10-13 years of our childhood. Most people from So-Cal can’t claim that. Or Phoenix. Or Atlanta. Or Miami. Is it any wonder why hockey really does well in markets like Minnesota, Detroit, Boston, Chicago, New York or Pennsylvania?

Simple. It’s fucking cold here. Hockey is a byproduct of living in the cold. Jim, it’s time you got that. Don’t blame the system. Don’t blame TV. And for the Gods sake, don’t drink the Kool-Aid Bettman’s serving.

Still Rome, you rock. Call Jim Everett Chris for me.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

M.C.F.A.T. Episode XXIV – The Spin Doctors

Well, it’s just about over. Burkie finally signed with the worst team in the history of hockey. Full control in the self-perpetuated ‘center of the universe’. After telling a very obvious, bold-faced lie in the press conference stepping down from his post in Anaheim.

None of this is a shock at this point. Hockey fans everywhere saw that Burke was going to Toronto, adding another gong to the already insane gong show that is hockey in the biggest commercial hockey market in Canada. The sad part is when it’s all made official Saturday, it’s not the end.

It will just be the beginning. What a sad day for hockey, getting all that spin doctoring. So much for sports journalism ever being about the game on the ice anymore.

But, with spin doctoring and perception in mind, here’s the latest MCFAT:

1) Is it good or bad when sitcoms feature celebrity guest stars?

When I read this question the first time, the better question jumped in my head. Are there any good sitcoms out there anymore? As many of you already know, I really can’t stand the tripe the major US networks shove down our collective throats on a weekly basis. I guess I should have realized that television sitcoms are going the way of the dodo when I really started to get sick of the Simpsons about six years back.

About the only ’sitcom’ that works for me these days is really Family Guy. Period. Simply put, it is what The Simpsons dares not to be. So how does it stand when celebrity guest stars are on? Well, in the case of James Woods, brilliantly. Sadly, James must learn not to follow a candy trail down an alley and into a simple box trap. Git. As to other guest stars, it does seem that Seth McFarlane uses them with purpose, not JUST for a ratings grab.

The other shit that clutters the airwaves, however, seem to have no real creativity left in their premise or delivery. Celebrity guest stars, as a result, seem to be nothing more than a Paris Hilton-esque attempt to get mindless ratings during sweeps week. Still, based on all this tripe, the lowest common denominator mentality may actually improve the show. If I have some time I may do a comparative analysis at some point.

Maybe.

2) What is the most shocking thing you’ve seen on the internet?

Personal politics notwithstanding, it’s a toss up between this site and this site. In terms of all the fucked up, bizzare, vomit inducing images and viral videos out there, they start to lose their punch as we all have that friend who constantly emails all that sick shit all the time. Positively speaking, at least the onslaught builds up a heavy resistance.

Still, after even linking up that scum to my site, I need to cleanse. As such…

and this. The last game I got to see in the Montreal Forum:

Ahh. Now I feel better.

3) Is it possible to have too much free time?

Come on now. If there’s no such thing as a free lunch, how on earth can ANY time be free?

4) Inspired by a recent Dwight Shrute monologue, I ask you: what’s your perfect crime?

There can only be one perfect crime. Taunting those on the growing list of people who have not only pissed me off but have completely betrayed me, to harming me to such a degree that my murder of them can be justified as self defence.

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: What (animated) fictional town offers a whirlwind existence, race cars, lasers, airplanes, mystery-solving, time travel, and more?

Very simply put, the alternate 1985 New York City in which the former Crimebusters, of Watchmen fame are written to exist. Hell, anything is possible with the existence of Dr. Manhattan.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

Bringin’ the smack…

Welcome to Detroit, Michigan. Home of the failed US automotive industry, the highest crime and murder rates on earth, the Detroit Red Wings, and keeping that hockey organization as being the biggest customer of Geritol.

Right Chris Chelios?

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

What gives more indigestion… Maple Leaf Meat products, or the Maple Leafs?

I think it’s fortuitous that I’m off this week. Ironic that it still took me over twenty four hours to pull my ass off of the sofa with a thought long enough to poke at some keys and make this post, but meh, I need the break from the physical grind of slavery otherwise known as work. Fortuitous in the sense that when I’m at work, for convenience sake, I have sandwiches with deli meat. Gods, when will they ever devise a microwave for a five-ton so I can reheat my meals dammit! Still, for us ‘deli meat’ eaters, we’ve had to deal with this. Mmmm. Sweet Listeria monocytogenes. Well, I can handle pasta all week. Even with crappy store bought sauce.

The initial plan was to be away. Then $1.50 per litre happened. Not really feasible with my not-so reliable car. Bah. And with a potentially very rainy week, the idiot box is the main source of entertainment. But in all reality, I hate television in the summer. Everything’s a repeat (not that the vast majority of programs are shit). And if it weren’t for the Olympics, the only sporting fare for most of the summer is Baseball. I used to be more passionate about Baseball. Now I just follow the standings until September, and then start watching, so long as it doesn’t interfere with anything else. But to watch a regular season game now is the equivalent for me to watching Darts or Competitive Snooker.

But we did have the Olympics. Just finished in time for it to NOT be on for the week off. Rather, in terms of the Olympics, I got to hear Jim Rome slam the Canadian Olympians for having an 0 for in the first week of Olympic competition. How we’re the embarassment of the G8 by being the only nation uncompetitive in the games. It was good to see the local personalities on Team 1040 comment back and stick up for the Great White North. Though with the call ins, the defense of our great nation turned into a dick fight about how to fix the problem.

And it’s the solutions the proletariat come up with that start to identify the problem. People will call in constantly and call for more money. We just need to pump more money into better facilities and the problem will just go away. And in that answer, the problem is inherent. We just don’t care. Put it in perspective. An Olympic champion just doesn’t all of a sudden wake up at age 18 and say ‘I want to be a 100m track champion.’ Those who succeed start young. Very young. Building a world class facility does not make up for that 13 year gap.

And to boot, let’s look at this. To be a runner, does one really need that world class facility? We have roads. We have tracks at schools. Weight machines all over. To be a swimmer, can’t we start in our local pools? Other athletics? Football? Diving? Cycling? Obviously what is missing here is passion and leadership, not facility. We need to give a shit about more than just hockey. Fuck me, do we ever care about hockey. The attitude is right there. Gold or bust. It is a slam against our national character if we can’t beat every other country at the game WE made. We need to care. We need a system that grooms athletes for other sports at an earlier age.

Still, having said that, we got 18 medals, finishing 19^th by Gold medal count, and tied for 14^th by overall medal count. As a whole, our best showing since 1996. And if you look at it this way, if we did as well in the first week of competition, we’d have shown 36 medals, for 8^th place overall in medal count. What was really funny though was Rome just happened to be on vacation the week Canada did well. Coincidence?

Still, all of this gave us something to talk about for two weeks. For the six weeks prior to it, all we heard was Sundin, Sundin, Sundin. Where will he go? The ‘Nucks offered $20 million for two seasons, which he balked at. Nearly two months later, and nothing. The latest rumour is that the New York Rangers are the front runner, though they can’t offer him even close to Vancouver’s money.

But the Rangers effectively lost Jagr to get Naslund. Gave up a two cup captain for a zero cup captain. If this is Mats’ team of choice, I wonder. Wonder if he’s going there to win a cup. Avery-less, I don’t see the Rangers doing much more than making the playoffs, as the roads will this year once again in the east probably will go through Montreal and Pittsburgh. Has Mats played for the Leafs long enough to suffer permanent brain damage?

Or have Canuck fans, some of whom still believe Mats is coming here, believe a Leaf will not only come here, but will take a mediocre at best Canucks squad and lead them to the promised land? Here’s a hint. No matter what Mats decides, come April ‘09, his hockey desires will take a back seat to hitting the links, whether or not his team of choice is in the post season.

Leaf Damage, or Maple Leaf listeriosis, you decide.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

Baby, if you ever wondered. Wondered whatever became of me…

But I’m NOT at WKRP in Cincinnati. Still, being a driver, I am privy to a great deal of airtime for radio in the Vancouver area. My poison of choice? CFOX. Not that this is a surprise to my three readers. But for those of you who Googled your way here, here’s why I listen to CFOX. At first, it was the music. It’s the only station in the area (which is surprising considering our vicinity to Seattle) that plays alternative rock, specifically from the early 90’s. But alas, even alternative rock stations change. Alternative became mainstream. Now, instead of a kicking Rymes With Orange or Pure song, we get Jack Johnson or Billy [No-]Talent. Ugghh. And if Jeff’s reading this, I did email my gripes to dinner@cfox.com (which now has become nancy@cfox.com).

Still, CFOX has it’s redeeming features. The Jeff O’Neil Morning Show. Indie Night in Canada. And Neil Morrison kicks major ass at noon with the 90’s at Noon. I can get my Pure/Rymes/Doughboys/Stabbing Westward/and soforth fix. Each week I can definitely remember some little odd song I really liked from my university days.

But therein lies the problem. After 1:00 PM, CFOX goes flat. I can only take so much of the crap that passes for alt rock, and I get my fill listening to O’Neil who has little music creative control. As such, the radio tends to find itself to Team 1040 for Pratt and Taylor. Until the playoffs started, there were some quite deep discussions about a wide variety of western Canadian sports topics. Now that the Canucks and Giants are both out of the playoffs, the discussions reverse evolved. Fire Nonis. And when they did, and replaced him with rookie GM Mike Gillis, complain that we need Nonis back. Uggghh.

Here’s a list of things that are really now equivocable to beating a dead horse (as it relates to talk sports radio in Vancouver):

Brian Burke being the next Leafs GM.
The Leafs hiring Nonis as an incentive for Burke to come to be the GM when his contract expires in Anaheim.
Should Nonis consider other offers than Toronto?
Is Toronto the right situation for Burke?
Burke will go to Toronto because he can get a job for his wife (an on-air personality) at the Toronto CBC.

I could go on, but you get the point. This is Vancouver for fuck sakes. Why the fuck are we obsessed with Toronto? Are Canuck fans obsessed with the past? Do they NOT care about the BC Lions and the Vancouver Whitecaps? Or is it that Don Taylor is a total sellout? Even O’Neil still talks to Kevin ‘Boom Boom’ Bieksa in the offseason. I remember that Sportsnet (that Taylor also appears) ran a campaign for Taylor’s Sportsnet Pacific program that had a tagline of “Eastern highlights if I have time.” Now it seems Taylor is much more interested in the east than the west.

Maybe the Team 1040 needs this kind of format change.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

P.S. Grow my city!

The Real Captain Canuck…

And no, it’s not Linden hanging behind the Franchise, Roberto Luongo either.

Love you babe

That is all.

We don’t need no stinking WGA

For the following reasons:

1. We have the WGC. Who brings us such wonderful programming as Corner Gas. Nothing like a sitcom set in the tropics of rural Saskatchewan.

2. We have reality TV. Which is a misnomer in itself, as true reality programming would fall under the category of cinema verite documentary. Reality TV is scripted. But not in a writing sense. More in a producers want to play god sort of way. Actually, strike that. Reality TV sucks. Feels too much like working for the man.

3. This man.

And has GOOD reality-based programs, being Gene Simmons Family Jewels and now the obvious standout on Celebrity Apprentice (and Omarosa is still a twat). And he’s a reminder to me to get off of my ass and take control of my destiny. What a fantastic role model ol’ Chiam is.

4. These two.

My Gods, I could watch their shit all day. Though Dawn would probably shoot me before I knew if I could tire of them.

5. Hockey. ‘Nucks win, Habs win, Flames win, Leafs lose. All is good in the world. Ready to kick America’s ass tomorrow in the World Junior semi’s tomorrow. I predict Canada 8, USA 0.

More photography tomorrow.

That is all.

The small round black thing… that’s the puck

Something we should convince Vinny Vigneualt and the rest of the ‘Nucks of sometimes. Actually I can’t complain too much. The defensive support for Luongo in last night’s game was the best I’ve seen all season. Sad we only came out of the match with a single.

Still, after going to my first live match since moving to the rainy city (and Dawn’s first ever), some thoughts definitely have entered my mind in and around last night’s festivities:

1. There’s a new Luongo bobblehead. I hope I can get it at our usual collectables vendor, and avoid a weekend trip to Authentix.

2. Merchandise is reasonably priced (relative to purchase at non-stadium locations).

3. Food is overpriced.

4. It is cheaper to buy coffee from Starbucks or Blenz than it is from GM Place ($3.00 per cup… yikes).

5. It’s $8.00 for a pint of Rickards Red. The percentage markup for beer is less than that for coffee.

6. Coiler fans are lame. But my Gods, it’s fun to chant ‘Oilers suck’ as the sad lot of travelling fans march through the sea of blue and green to find their seats.

7. It’s great having a Cookie Monster on your team. Let’s just hope he doesn’t start freebasing cookie dough during intermissions.

8. Bobby Lu may have to be a thirty goal scorer if we want to run deep into the playoffs. I’m sure we’ll gel by mid-season, but somebody’s gotta spark the guns.

9. Though I normally opposed shoot-outs, seeing them live definitely is a rush. Though why we didn’t send either Sedin or Naslund out for the shootouts puzzles me.

10. Vancouverites in general just don’t get my blunt, obtuse and generally irreverant humour. Exiting the stadium, it was raining (go fig). I made my typical, snide, “raining in Vancouver… NOOOOO” to which some brain dead git, passing by said, with an air of either snottiness or anger “then this isn’t the city for you.” I didn’t know bodies could be kinetic with a vacuum occupying the entire six inches between the ears.

And to that dude, in case you couldn’t tell, I WAS BEING SARCASTIC. Not that he’d read this. Well, okay, not that he’d be able to read.

That is all.