Months o­n the run, and what do we have to show for it? Casualties. Deteriorating conditions. This crew needs a rest. It’s finally hitting them, that’s all. Our old lives are gone. The o­nly thing we have to look forward to is this. Introspection part IV.

After making the trek from Onterrible to Vancouver, film work for me was at a high. Fuck me, look at my credits list found here. Most of those came from 2005. Once that winter hit, it was like a Cylon nuclear attack wiping out all but a few of us. Though film work still existed intermittently and the ‘day job’ has now improved from ’survivable’ to ‘livable’, things are still very tight and very tough. Dawn and I would fight very intensely, very consistently, mostly over the lack of resources.

More directly put, we were living to work. Something had to change. Slugging it out at work just to be irritable towards your loved ones because ends are just barely meeting and expendable cash was near nil was all we had to look forward to. That something to change had to be me. The system, the establishment, seemed quite content to and indifferent to my suffering. It was frighteningly accurate to Homer Simpson’s take on life:

‘Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you wake up one day and just wish Flanders was dead.’

That mirror had a way of showing me something. Galactica, like my life, is about hope when all has vanished. Fate is just not a factor in my existence. I must create new hope out of nothing. And it’s not just art. It’s life. One must find meaning, purpose, hope, and spirit from within, not from outside.

And now, the final three aspects of positivity:

They know when to defend what they are doing
Well, I definitely know HOW to defend what I am doing. WHEN, on the other hand, is another issue. I tend to defend myself against all comers. Some of those fights, however, are redundant or pointless. Nothing will be gained. I must hold my confidence high, and realize when I need to fight and when I need to let things just roll off of me.

They are creative
Hells yeah. ‘Nuff said.

They are not afraid to be a little different in finding innovative solutions that will enable them to achieve their dreams
My entire life is about being different, being individual. I have no fear of the different, let alone much of any fear altogether.

Well, that seems to be about it. Starting tomorrow, the countdown to the beginning of the end.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

Because it’s not enough to just live. You have to have something to live for. Introspection part III

I could go so far with that title, but I only have just so much bandwidth on this blahg. To put things in simple perspective, there’s a lot that both my old man and the Old Man have given me in the sense of pushing forward and purpose.

My father always stressed positivity. I for the longest time just never grasped the concept of smiling after eating a shit sandwich (though in earlier years I actually figured that was more literal than it was intended). After some more growing, I realized that being able to smile in the face of personal pain, social awkwardness, or adversity was the simplest way for us to stay grounded and focused. I would always let my anger and hatred consume me. You think there’s any reason I really connect to Star Wars at this point?

The fictional Old Man brings a great deal of context. Good art is like holding a mirror up to the world. And when I watch Battlestar Galactica, it’s like I’m stood front and centre in front of it. I’m a long way from home. Many of my loved ones have passed on. There are very few people close to me these days. resources are scarce at best. And so on..

I guess the point of this really is that one cannot just learn to deal with the adversity. One must have true direction and follow that path, and in the wake of a shattered dream, conjure one anew, and work towards it.

Now onto the third of the four part analysis:

They know who they are
Nowadays, yes. I am a highly intelligent socially awkward outcast. And I’m fully accepted of that. The truth is I don’t make a lot of friends. Maybe it’s good chunks of my childhood that will be with me forever, but I don’t make LOTS of friends. I make a few REALLY GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS. The kind that have your back. The kind that wouldn’t make a move on your girl. The kind that aren’t afraid to tell you the truth even though it’s shit.

I do know WHO I am. Who I SHALL BECOME remains quite a mystery. But I feel that will be revealed. There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

They understand their weaknesses as well as their strong points
Now, very much so. In my younger days I definitely had a Superman syndrome, where I denied my weaknesses. For a long time, I denied my flaws, my weaknesses, my mortality. Since meeting Dawn, and her opening me up to my spiritual side, I am starting to see the great strength in the admission of my natural, imperfect nature.

They can accept and benefit from criticism
Occasionally. It really depends who the criticism comes from. A right stranger I will tell to go fuck themselves without any hesitation. My close friends I am somewhat accepting of their help. I do appreciate the honesty, but I can still be very bull headed in terms of making the change. I must let go of my anger, my hate…

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

Tapping the Spenny to get to the Kenny part II

Even though he would use this as a cheesy pick up line, I do think we all have some Kenny in us. Well, most of us. There has to be the anomaly, that person who represents the core of the negative viewpoint, the Spenny in us. As a species, we are quite negative in nature. We are drawn to it. We are sucked into negative gossip about negative people. Our news is highly negative in nature. Negativity sells. Negative news scare us into buying new products to protect us from the evils of the world.

Simply put, we as people, if we are to succeed, must rise above our negative nature. We must choose to be positive. We must find our inner Kenny. In my path, the last few days, I have found myself making a more genuine effort ‘not to sweat the small stuff’. On a stop of mine yesterday, I had to park in an ugly stop. I took a whack of flack from another motorist, who liberally used some expletives about my choice of parking spaces in a small vehicle lot with a five ton. All I could do was agree with the passer by in how it was nice to be able to park where I wanted, and laughed at all his half-assed remarks. I also find myself further separated from some other drivers at work. Some are a really fucking negative lot. I could only imagine a few would be scrounging the alleys of Hastings and Main for used crack rocks on the pavement if they didn’t work a union job. I don’t think they could find or keep anything else at this point. By comparison, my life could be a hell of a lot worse.

But, as promised, this is not a work groan session, but rather a personal introspection. So, how I stack up on the next three qualities of positive thinkers:

They always try their hardest for perfection
I do. I really do. I hate being wrong. I hate making mistakes. Unfortunately, there is a double edge to this sword. I make my bar set for personal perfection. No mistakes. A catch-22 considering that I am a member of a flawed species. I try to look at the concept of perception more as giving my best, where my best is exceeding, even by just an inch, what I feel my maximum capability or skill is. I just have to remember that at times it is justifiable for my flaws to occur, so long as I take the opportunity to learn from them.

They never consider the idea of failing
Having just answered this in a sense in the previous quality of positive thinkers, it is easy to extrapolate the answer to this quality. I hate failing. And when I strive for flawless perfection in the stead of self improvement and personal best, I become consumed by the notion of failure. Hence why I should always push myself to be better at all times, but not draw the hard line on absolute perfection.

They work extremely hard towards their goals
Too fucking right. Dawn always tells me that when I get the bit in my teeth, I never let it go. When there is something that I want, I don’t let go until I get it. I just have to remember to exercise some balance. Other things I care about, like family and friends, can become easily neglected when I get deeply involved in something. Balance is good.

Part three, with a new television theme comes tomorrow.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.

Tapping the Spenny to get to the Kenny part I

Based on my past history, one would think that I would pull for Spenny to beat Kenny in each of their ego-driven, testosterone induced competitions. Nothing could be further from the truth. I cheer, yell, scream, and use the Force^TM as Kenny lies, cheats, tortures, and ultimately crushes Spenny again and again and again.

Why though? For those who know me (or at least have some semblance of an idea about me), I grew up much more in the train of Spenny than Kenny. I was a geek. Nerd. Dork. High School Loser. The only thing I really could say about myself was that I had a big brain, could skate and play defense, baseball, and ski like hell. It was the latter three that kept me going through high school. I could go on, but I used certain physical skills to fit in, to be (in name only) another high school automaton. It reduced the torment. But something was wrong.

I wasn’t myself. It took me until well into university until I was comfortable in my own skin. Just over twenty years out of the womb to begin the path to self acceptance. Definitely more Spenny than Kenny. But still, why do I cheer Spenny? Frankly, nearing the ripe age of forty, Spencer Nolan Rice still hasn’t started. Watch the show. He repeats mantras obviously given to him by a therapist to keep him rational. I, on the other hand, have learned not to conform to society’s pre-set thoughts, opinions, and beliefs about the nature of existance and my place within it.

I am an individualist, who does have a great deal to offer the world. My morals, values and beliefs are a product of my experiences, not what some fictional doctrine or stuffy rich bastard wants me to think or feel to perpetuate an artificial air of control. Bah.

Still, to look at the positivity of my existence, and to continue my path of self discovery and invoking my inner Kenny, here is part one of four measuring how I stack up on the twelve qualities that positive thinkers typically share.

They have confidence in themselves
At the things I’m good at, I have absolute confidence. Skiing. Hockey. Baseball. Poker. Battlestar Galactica trivia. I truly believe I am the best at my strengths. My weaknesses are a much different thing. I find it difficult to work hard at things I suck at. Like video games that I can’t get the flow of. I’m sure Dawn’s thinking about Torino 2006 at this point. Though I’m good at keeping the razor’s edge sharp, to grow I know I must work at that which I struggle.

They have a very strong sense of purpose
So long as there is a purpose. The last two years, with film work lean and the day job wearing out, I have lost sense of my purpose. But my purpose transcends film. Being a right boffin, I can only hear these words in my mind on repeat. ‘I have a responsibility to use my gifts for a purpose much higher than personal gain.’ I also remember the words of one Joey DeVilla a few days back:

We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.

Somewhere in my future, teaching and sharing my knowledge and experience will be paramount.

They never have excuses for not doing something
I don’t. There are a good few things I tend not to finish, and I just blame myself. No one else. I really need to re-acquire the habit of following through 100% 100% of the time. Not 95% 95% of the time. I also need to get back into the habit of using a day planner daily. A co-worker said not too long ago something about aging. We do not lose our mental accuities or skills, we are just conscious of more distractions. I must discipline myself to maintain my razor focus on the tasks at hand.

Tomorrow, the next three.

Interdum vos ut volvo ferrus six.